In Which You Should Probably Just Dump Him Already

Some of the red flags in a relationship are universal, like if he’s rude to your friends or if she’s an Alabama fan. There are some indicators that get overlooked, though. As your self-declared guide to affairs of the heart, I have compiled a cheat sheet of relationship deal breakers.

They are terrible at text messaging.Break up with them if they have texted you any of the following. A “good morning” before 11 a.m. A variation of the single-letter “K” as a response. ‘Hey’ or ‘hey what’s up’ accompanied by a winky face emoticon. Furthermore, any text message without appropriate punctuation will be interpreted as a passive-aggressive attack and immediate grounds for dumping.

They are destroying your Netflix queue.There are several milestones you hit during a long-term relationship. Celebrating holidays together. Meeting the parents. Exchanging SAT scores. There will come a point in every relationship when your significant other will ask for the password to your Netflix account. It starts innocently enough, with a couple episodes of “Pretty Little Liars.” But pretty soon, your recommendations are suddenly filled with eerily specific categories that Netflix claims are based off of your taste preferences. You have no interest in ‘Romantic Crime Thrillers Featuring a Strong Canine Lead’ or ‘Movies Where Two Characters Fight A Lot Because of How Much They Feel For Each Other and Also There’s A Scene In An Airport.’ But you know who does.

They are emotionally unavailable. You’re looking for a relationship with a future. You don’t want to endure this thing for another six months only to find out they aren’t into the whole “emotional investment” thing. This is sometimes hard to tell right away, so I’ve developed a foolproof, two-step method to quantitatively test whether someone is a heartless monster with no capacity for love. Have them watch the Disney-Pixar film “Up.” If they don’t cry within the first 10 minutes, dump them.

They are too emotionally available.I know what I said above, but there’s a limit to the amount of sweet nothings someone can whisper before you are ready to kick them to the curb. This kind of overbearing relationship is characterized by public displays of affection, baby talk and nauseating nicknames including (but not limited to) any dessert-based comparison. Dump them if they’ve ever posted your name online with more than one exclamation mark next to it. There is a way to conduct a healthy relationship that doesn’t involve posting Facebook status updates about it in 15-minute increments. You deserve someone who realizes that.

Read more: The Auburn Plainsman – Red flags and merciful dumpings

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